About Flames

“Oh I would walk a thousand miles
To hear you laugh or see you smile”
– Happy Place by Saint Phnx

Why did you have to leave so soon?

Why couldn’t you stay a little longer? Just enough time for us to go crazy, do all the things best friends are supposed to embark on. Talking about girls, heading out to pubs, working out, singing songs from the top of our lungs. None of that happened in the end. Instead, here I am.

Yes. Here I am, left with the thought of what would have been. Here I am, trying to move forward whilst carrying this heavy weight on my shoulders as I refuse to let your memory die. Here I am, desperately holding on to the bare minimum when it comes to memories, to the slightest words that you said so I don’t forget your voice. Here I am, left to pick up the pieces of my heart and shape them back together.

You are never far from my mind. Every step, every word, every thought, every action that brings even the tiniest bit of joy and pride is almost instantly overwhelmed with the sadness that you are not next to me. So many things I would have wanted to be able to see you smile, to notice you jump up and down in celebration, to hear you shout out of excitement and passion. Where were you?

As I played Wake Me Up by Avicii at the Bar de Fer on May 7, 2022, I just kept looking left and right for you. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll see a glimpse of you, enjoying the song and atmosphere I am creating with my voice and my guitar. This voice that wants to shout until my chest explodes: “Wake Me Up When It’s All Over“. This guitar I keep on playing harder to the point I can sense that my fingers are bleeding. It feels like I am stuck in a never-ending nightmare, with the sole wish of waking up. When will it be over? Why does it feel like I am losing my mind?

To be honest, why am I even asking you? They tell me to write letters to you, to pray, to talk to you. But what’s the point of never hearing back from? I am not angry! I am in pain! And you put me here! The person who was supposed to love me more than anything! Why can I not hear you? Why will you not reply?

At my weakest, I can only hear your voice when everything around me fails, as I turn to music for comfort. As I head home from the bar, I could do nothing other than listen to Tom Walker‘s duet with Red Hot Chilli Pipers of Leave A Light On on repeat.

Music is the only bridge I have to your world. For some reason, it breaks through the noise of my surroundings, and travels all the way to you. No words needed, the song does the trick. A symphony of everything a man who has lost a brother, a best friend, endures on a daily basis whilst trying to get back up and making sure that none of it appears to others. A beating heart begging for life, for hope, for strength, for defense, because it simply finds itself on the edge of the abyss. Knees and shoulders on the verge of breaking because they carry their own weight as well as that of others.

As the tears stream down my face, know that I miss you. Know that my only wish is for me to never go deaf because if I do, we will lose the only source of communication that is music. Please do not give up on me. I am barely holding on.

"If you lost your way, I will leave a light on."