“Sometimes, you must be at war with yourself to fix yourself.”
– David Goggins
As I have often been told, you lose yourself when you let your thoughts consume you. However, this time I needed this consumption; I’ve gone to war with myself.
I started having recurrent and depressive thoughts. At first, I thought that I’d eventually get rid of them. Unfortunately, I never saw this war coming, as I hadn’t noticed the armored soldiers or the dangerous grenades around me. Before I knew it, the war had started.
Part of me lost interest in everything, including writing and weightlifting. These hobbies used to be my favorite escapes. My safest shelters whenever I would feel angry, sad or hopeless. Moreover, I was constantly tired and low on energy, which led me to procrastinate on things for a way longer period of time.
I started craving everything in sight, slowly relapsing into my binge eating disorder and gaining weight again as a result.
I lost the passion to live life to its full potential with my best friends, allowing time to fly by as I laid there with my sight set on the ceiling.
Bad feelings from the past would swallow everything I know, placing the focus solely on the worst in every past experience lived.
A lot of focus on thinking about the past experience as well as trying to figure her whole future out.
Headaches as well as physical pain due to the weight carried on her shoulders continued to push her down.
However, the other part of me still had a spark. My entourage remained by my side and supported me to the point that this scintilla was never truly buried. My first advice for you would be:
“The people who don’t stick by your side in your bad times, don’t deserve to be right next to you in your good times.”
This other side of me still had hope, believing that one day everything would make sense again. My old self will truly return and I will feel good in my own skin again. How long will it take? I couldn’t estimate the answer at the time.
The passion within me never really died. The loyalty towards my friend was always there, even though I wasn’t making any effort other than touching base with them on the phone.
The sense of reassurance and logic remained present, keeping me from blaming myself for what happened in the past.
My self-confidence reminded me that my body is beautiful, regardless of its size. It reminded me to give more attention to my mental health in order to get back up. Bodies change as frequently as seasons do. I had to remind myself that if I managed to reach my best shape once, I can surely do it again
The strong sense of faith and trust towards my creator were my best remedy. They never failed to help me remember to always have a vision, even if the path appears blurry. God only knows the path he’s preparing us for. All we can do is to put all of our worries and pain behind us and keep moving forward.
As my two sides continued fighting, my mind would overthink on a daily basis. Sometimes, I would feel on cloud nine, whereas at other moments I felt like I was drowning. There are two things about depression: first of all, how intensified your feelings get, both the good and bad ones; the second point concerns the moment when we learn to love the pain, eventually finding comfort in it. The latter tends to lead us down a dangerous path of not trying to do anything about our present state.
Testing positive for COVID and being in isolation literally opened my eyes to the reality I was living in. These special events have made me understand the importance of going to war from time to time with myself. The endgame would be to take time to challenge and fix myself. Although I am still at the beginning of my healing process, the journey has begun and that’s a start. My second-best advice for you will be:
“No one, literally no one can do the work for you, while getting support you have to stand for yourself and have the will to change your current situation.”
I gathered all my weapons and armors in order to beat the depressed part of me. I don’t know how long this war will last. All I know is that I will come out victorious from this battle. Slowly but surely. I am working on my best self to take the spotlight again and win this bloodshed. Maybe, just maybe, after all the wounds and blood, I will feel whole again.
Change The Lens 