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About Flares

Baby we are lost. Come home with me.”
- We Are by Haevn

There are days that I wake up and do not know what to think of anymore. It does not matter what or who crosses my mind, since it feels like my neurons are tangled in a way that I cannot even manage to see what is happening right in front of me. I have often been told that I overthink things, but at the end of the day I spend most of my nights lying in bed, looking at a blank ceiling. As blank as my head space is in that same moment. A moment that seems to last an eternity.

It sure is weird, is it not? How our brains can gather so much information in 24 hours, only for us to reach the end of that time with no particular thing in mind. Nothing to develop, to interpret, to colour in that internal office of ours. We gather information about movies, news, music, books, work, markets, gossip, and many more. It might make sense that we are at the end of all those encounters and challenges. So what happens at the end of the day?

How do we go from appearing like a dam about to break and let the water through, to a vacuum where none has been before? How do we get to feel so hollow?

“I am not a mess unless you can see the scars.”
- Walls by Ruben

It is often connected to the struggles we go through on a daily basis. At the end of the day, we are so tired that we wonder what we were all fighting for when the spotlight of the universe was on us. Until the curtain falls. For some, this is actually a relief. For others, it feels like the calm before the storm. For the latter, the aim is to immediately close their eyes and avoid having to deal with it, because they do not want to see the demons around their bed. Those demons take many forms but as our head gets emptier, the more demons gather around the stage. It is a sight that none would want to behold. At that point, as soon as the eyes close, they refuse to open them again. It becomes a burden that they simply cannot handle anymore. Going through the same routine every night, what is the point of waking up the next day?

You know, what? Allow me to be real for a second! Who made the decision that some issues are vital for the purpose of mankind! At that particular moment, I could say with certainty that several people have the urge to blow up and say what they really think: “What about my purpose? What about my pain? My survival? My place in this universe? I get it. My life, my thoughts, my demons, my internal screams, my purpose is not as important as whatever cause this society can broadcast on social media and get likes and attention for.”

You cannot get fame, fortune, likes and social acceptance if you post about your own struggles, even if they are connected to a general cause that is making the Internet boom. It just does not sell. That is the way things are done, it seems. What is the point of talking if nobody listens? Especially when everybody would rather focus on the general cause rather than on the details? It is like when we used to ignore resistance in our physics exercises in order to study gravity and momentum. The picture is incomplete.

“I'm tired, I will always be afraid
Of the damage I've received
Broken promises they made
And how blindly I believed”
 - Lost by Linkin Park

We each have a social cause we truly care about. It is part of who we are and it gives us a sense of purpose. Something to fight for. However, it is vital to remember who we are fighting for, rather than what.

My battle is for mental health and depression. A battle that several refuse to acknowledge because it is still considered taboo or part of a myth. Therefore, few dare to acknowledge it. We have astronomical advances on so many other causes – even if we still have a long way to go. Sadly, the same cannot be said about mental health and depression. So in the end, I want to sing. I want to shout. I want to scream it all out until my voice breaks. This is my battle, and I am not fighting just for myself.

I am fighting for all those who struggle to talk and have their voices killed because those around them don’t want to deal with the hard stuff.
With no intention of getting paid, I am just doing what I would have wanted someone to do for me.
If you are reading this and need to talk, reach out to me.
I can’t promise that I will understand, yet I will listen till the end.
I will stay for as long as you want me to. You are not alone.
The sun will shine on us again.

“Now I have some clarity to show you what I mean”
- Breaking The Habit by Linkin Park

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