“Wake me up when it is all over.”
– Tim Bergling
“I can never decipher your eyes. I can never figure out what you are thinking of.”
My friend said this to me the other day. For some reason during the evening, the conversation dropped dead and we just stared into each other’s eyes for a couple of minutes. No talking. No facial expression whatsoever. I guess the playlist we were playing had reached Noah Kahan’s acoustic version of Fine. Given the context and lyrics of the song, I found it appropriate to just reply with the usual answer I give everyone:
“You are not the first person to tell me that and you surely will not be the last. I constantly have thousands of thoughts going through my mind every second.”
I was not lying when I told them that. I often – if not always – tend to overthink things around me. Things that were, are or will be. What people think of me, of something or someone. What I think of myself when I look back on something I did or said. It is almost as if I immediately get in my mind and everything that is going on. The mind is often a room that appears messy and chaotic to people who do not live in this place. However, the resident of one’s mind knows every secret passage, every door, every book, every tool and their location. It is like Sherlock Holmes’ mind palace, a technique initially developed by ancient Greek poet Simonides of Ceos.
“It’s like when you’re tired, you’re someone else
Don’t speak for some time to find those words inside yourself”
– Anyway by Noah Kahan
At that moment, I was not looking into their eyes anymore. I felt their eyes reflecting my own image, like a mirror. A mirror that made me widen my pupils in order to get a clearer picture and capture every single detail. At that moment, my mind froze: instead of seeing real cheeks, lips, ears, hair and skin, my face was shaped by questions. Almost like some artist decided to draw a portrait of me with words rather than with lines and colours. The more I looked at the picture, the clearer the questions were getting. There was one question that keeps on popping back up as I am writing this article: “What makes you think that you deserve a friend like them in your life?”
What if I was not good enough of a friend? Of a brother? Of a son? Of a boyfriend one day? I could not stop asking myself those questions whenever I did or said something to someone.
Atelophobia is a real fear that could potentially develop into a disorder. It cannot be explained by rational facts and logic like other fears such as the fear of heights or spiders. It strongly relies on past experiences that truly the person who is feeling that way, developing a strong sense of imperfection. It is true that no one is perfect in this life, however people with atelophobia tend to feel like they are very far from the average when they try to position themselves as to how close they are to perfection. They tend to define perfection as being a good person, worthy of love, friendship and kindness.
One of the best examples I see of atelophobia is Tim Bergling when I read extracts of his biography written by journalist Mans Mossesson. The thoughts going through Bergling’s mind give an entire new meaning and approach to what he was feeling when writing and producing. The most flagrant songs which I had to re-evaluate the meaning for were Wake Me Up, SOS and Enough Is Enough.
“Looking up, there’s always sky.”
– Fade Into Darkness by Tim Bergling
Tim’s logo was two right triangles, with the first pointing towards the bottom right corner and the second one towards the top left. It symbolizes the fact that we always try to see things the way we want to see them. Our vision tends to change when we change the angle, the colours, the lights and so on. At the end of the day, the object we look at is still the same and its purpose did not change, regardless of what people say. It is important to think the same way when we look at ourselves in the mirror. Doubt is important because it helps us become better people when we reassess ourselves, but we should never ever let it control our lives.
Coming from a business and political science background, I often think of the world as a cold and dark place. However, I trust my friend to tell me when they are uncomfortable with something I do or say.
I might be naïve in thinking that, but it sure is a better option than living in constant atelophobia without ever trying to understand.
“It’ll be hard but I know that we’ll make it out.”
– Happy Now by Kyrre Gorvell-Dahll
Change The Lens 