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About Fractured Skin

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
Lewis B. Smedes

I do not feel like beating around the bush this week. No stories, no random events that took place last week. This topic should be elaborated as it is. There is no point in trying to be nice about this issue or try to sugarcoat it for those who are actually struggling with that issue. An issue that very few people try or even dare to shed a light on, making it more difficult for even the slightest bit of hope to appear, to guide them towards the end of that tunnel. That tunnel they suddenly find themselves in all of a sudden without ever being able to find the entrance nor the exit on their own. It is like getting to the point of no return without having the knowledge or conscience about what happened or the road led to this point.

This feeling is not constantly felt, although it seems to be constantly lurking around, waiting for the moment which we will be most vulnerable. It could be right after a good time with friends when we leave the party on our own and are left with our thoughts and our music for company, or after something sudden and brutal takes place out of the blue. It could be an event during which we were the subject and did something, or we were the object and something happened to us. Either way, this is when we get to the point of no return because we could no longer be the same person we initially were.

Our thoughts can be tricky at times since our perception of reality is often exaggerated due to the way we interpret things based on previous experiences. One of the most dangerous things our thoughts can produce is this illusion that whatever happened is our fault. It does not matter whether we did something or not, whether we could have stopped it from happening or not, or any other form of illusions and lies we tell ourselves because we think it allows us to explain the unexplainable. In the wildest of scenarios, our minds somehow manage to find a way to connect the dots and put the blame on us. Along the road, every person with a beautiful soul and a kind heart trips upon the tough reality of how complex and misunderstood minds and brains are. Maybe this is why psychology still has a long way to go as this field can only bare to imagine what secrets and mysteries that pink organ is holding from us.

“Hating yourself is one of the worst things you can do to yourself, ever.”
– Samuel Zulu

Those situations we find ourselves in are unique in their nature as they represent the most crucial points in our liveS. They either make or break us. We each show those events in a certain way, allowing us to cope with what is going on inside our head. That mechanism develops a veil covering the harsh reality of what our eyes are truly looking at: something that seems invisible to everyone around us except to us since it is internal, since it has become the only truth we seem to be constantly obsessed with. Once we put the blame on ourselves, we start to develop guilt. With guilt comes remorse, and with remorse comes self-hate.

Depression is not the scariest thing in this world, and neither is Anxiety. In everything related to mental health, the scariest and most dangerous thing a person can develop is self-doubt, the excess of which leads to self-hate. At that point, one can use their current situation as a consequence, as a punishment for whatever reason their thoughts have made them believe. The reflection they see in the mirror slowly transitions from that of a human being full of kindness and life to an unrecognisable “monster in their eyes, with nothing but a void where their heart used to be”. Remaining silent, pushing close people away, avoiding social interactions and group gatherings with the usual friends, developing strong and sometimes controversial humour or sarcasm, all those behaviours become survival instincts to hide the true perceived image they have of themselves.

The grasp on the set up reality based on those created and illusionary thoughts feels strong and powerful to the point that although the person finding themselves in this spiral would struggle to snap out of it, despite knowing that it is all happening in their head and none of it is true. It just never happens. Picture a severe and harsh break up following a long toxic relationship; although people say that time heals everything, some people remain sucked up inside that cage, making it impossible to move on.

We cling so hard to the past and what happened when we did not know better. Although we do know better today, it is impossible for some of us to even picture ourselves with a partner, to say those famous three words amounting to a total of eight letters, let alone genuinely be happy. Some of us might even find it hard to open up about their deepest secrets and fears to their closest friends, or sometimes even talking about superficial things connected to their lives to people they just met.

For what it is worth, none of this is your fault.
It is okay to feel down, but this is not the end.
Do not beat yourself up for what happened in the past. None of us knew better then.
Please forgive yourself. It is as simple as forgiving those who have wronged you.
If you are still reading, know that I am not giving up on you.

“Love yourself, accept yourself, forgive yourself, and be good to yourself. Because you, the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.”
Leo Buscaglia


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