“Think of him as living in the hearts of those he touched… for nothing loved is ever lost and he was loved so much.”
Ten years and nine days ago, the impossible happened. Well, at least it seemed impossible to me back then.
It seemed so distant, so unreal, so stereotypical, so unknown to everything I should be experiencing right now. And yet, it happened. The sky came falling down, along with the weight of the world, on my weak shoulders. I could not move. It felt as if my entire body was separated from my entire mind and soul, maybe that is why I felt so numb, so incapable to react to what was just said to me, on July 13, 2009 at half past nine in the evening.
Ten years and nine days ago, the impossible happened. It was not impossible anymore, since I had just witnessed it with my own two ears and eyes.
Once I could feel my body again, I witnessed another sort of pain, the type of pain you know will never let go of you, overcoming the test of time and always surging back to the surface to remind you of that night. That pain makes you understand that what you just lost is greater than anything else you might lose, for you just lost a part of yourself. A small part of you just died. For me, it was more than just a small part that just died in me; it was half of me.
Today, just like on that night, I refuse to accept that such a thing just happened, even though I was sitting front row to that tragedy. My heart was screaming, hoping to wake me up from this atrocious nightmare. Just wake up! None of this is real, you are just imagining things. Yet, I could not wake up. I was still in my bed, on July 13, 2009 at half past nine in the evening.
Ten years and nine days ago, the impossible happened. In my mind, it was impossible that I should be forced to grow up without someone so dear by my side at such a young age, someone who was literally half of who I am, on the physical, moral, mental and behavioral sides. It was also impossible for me to wrap my mind around the idea that I should outlive my younger brother, as of July 13, 2009 at half past nine in the evening.
Ten years and nine years later, it feels like the impossible just happened all over again. Right here. Right now. There are certain wounds that do not heal with time. There are certain scars that do not fade away with time.
I am sure I am not the only feeling this way right now, in a world with 7.5 billion other people. I am sure I am not the only whose sadness is beyond words and quotes from people who could not understand this sort of pain. I am sure I am not the only one feeling like the world just ended, like the person they just lost has left an unfillable void inside their hearts and souls. I am sure I am not the only one who feels like depression is taking over, making every action seem purposeless, making us feel useless and overwhelmed with the thought that it will never get better.
If you are still reading, then we both know how it feels to be broken beyond repair. However, this does not mean that one should stay put. My greatest lesson in this life is that
“it does not matter what happens to you, but rather what you are going to do about it”.
“For as the sun sets on the horizon, so will the sun rise again for a new day to start with new hope”.
Every step might be a struggle, every movement might be painful and agonising, every memory might be a heartache, but this does not mean that I should stop moving forward. I owe to the person I lost, the person whose touch I will miss on skin, whose voice will stay put in my memory wherever I go.
Moving forward will not keep the worst away, for the worst is always yet to come, but so is the best. The best that we will miss out on if we decide to stay trapped of our misery and sadness. The best way we could find to deal with pain is to face it straight on, without question.
I want you to know that it is okay to feel down, sad, broken beyond repair, depressed, numb, weak and any other state that society is too afraid to talk about out loud, because it shows vulnerability in a world where one eats or is eaten, or because society cannot understand what we are going through.
It is said that those who fell and got back up are way stronger than those who never fell in their lives. Even when our scars do not fade away, this does not mean that we should be ashamed of them; they are the concrete proof that we are stronger than whatever or whoever tried to break our spirit.
Like in The Lion King, remember that “he lives in you”.
You are now living for someone else as well as living for yourself. The thought of it, as well as its burden, may be tough and intimidating, but this does not mean that you cannot do it. Now, you are filled with more life than you ever will: the life that is in 2 different human beings souls.
Whether you are a believer or not, this final quote applies to you, who is feeling tired and weary:
“God who makes your cross, is the same God who makes your shoulder, and none could ever be on the same level as He is when it comes to the art of proportions.”